Finding Love Again

Growing up, we’re told all about how family is your heart… family is always there for you… family will always love you no matter what.

Well, this isn’t the case with everyone.

I have had a very long, twisted and often painful relationship with my family in the past seven or so years. Honestly, I have spent much of the last couple of years running away, both physically and mentally. I thought if I just separated myself from the people who caused me pain, I could move forward. It is obvious to me now that this is the complete opposite is true: The only way to move forward to confront your pain.

But let me save that for another post. That topic deserves about 3 posts minimum just for that, haha. Today, I’m going to tell you about the biggest shock I’ve had since I’ve arrived here in Spain:  I’m homesick.

I miss San Diego. I miss my friends. I miss familiarity. I miss my pets… but I also miss my family. A lot.

This past Monday, I was very sick. I stayed up all night throwing up. Of course, this made me want the comfort and familiarity of home. I Skyped with my mother the following day and just broke down crying while talking to her. I told her that it was because I wasn’t feeling well and I wanted my own bed and some matzo ball soup. While this was true, the tears were coming from someplace else.

I finally acknowledged, in this physically and emotionally weakened space, how much my mother loves me and how much I love her. Of course, in a literal sense, I knew this already. It’s just something that is hard to fully grasp when that relationship has been strained for so long.

So yes, I’m homesick. Yes, these emotions are stirring up some painful memories. But I’m glad. If nothing else, the distance of studying abroad has made me closer to my family at home. I’ve rediscovered this love, and I am so glad. ❤

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