I wrote the following a few months ago. I figured I would share it with you all, because it is even more relevant to my life right now.
I have always subscribed to Ernest Hemingway’s pessimistic view of the world, that “happiness in intelligent people is one of the rarest things I know.” I have always believed that the more you learn about the world and humanity, the less beauty and positivity there is to have faith in.
But now I see how wrong I have been. Now I see that I have been viewing the world and humanity through the lens of my own insecurity. My own shortcomings about myself have prevented me from seeing the potential in the world and the people around me. Instead of focusing on the beauty in the world, I have been focusing on the pain, because that is all I have felt comfortable with. I was the “opponent” in Fiona Apple’s song Extraordinary Machine; I was too scared of change although I always trying to “hitch a ride with any guide as long it they [went] fast from whence [I] came.” I wanted change so badly, yet I stuck with what I knew: pain and pessimism.
Ah, but I’m learning.
I’m learning that even though the world is full of people doing awful things, it is the beauty that lingers. Now “I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.” Now I know what you’re talking about, Lester Burnham. (That’s from American Beauty).
I’m learning that I am an extraordinary machine. I’m learning to appreciate myself, to cherish myself, to love myself. And that’s the best lesson I could ever learn.
“If there was a better way to go then it would find me. I can’t help it, the road just rolls out behind me. Be kind to me, or treat me mean; I’ll make the most of it, I’m an extraordinary machine. – Fiona Apple